Monday, 29 July 2013

How to Survive an Encounter with Me

If you ever find yourself rummaging through the latest arrivals in Kelowna’s plus-sized clothing stores, or battling older women over discounted yarn at Walmart, there is a good chance that you will - if you already haven’t - eventually encounter me. Luckily, this generally isn’t a frightening experience, as I am a mostly calm and quiet person (unless, of course, you’re holding an Illichmann’s seven-layer Halva bar, in which case I have been known to spontaneously attack). While occurrences such as these are rare, however, it may be wise to take a few precautions to ensure that your encounter with me will end in a painless escape.

When you first notice me walking towards you (or more realistically, stumbling towards you), two options will clearly emerge: a) risk an immediate escape or b) attempt to distract me before secretly running away. The first choice is definitely more effective, as any pace over a brisk walk will almost immediately leave me out of breath, allowing you to quickly disappear from my sight. However, if you, too, are not an athlete, employing a simple distraction may work just as easily. Simply guide me to an area of interest (a used clarinet boutique, the German children’s section at the library, various all-you-can-eat perogie houses) and I should be preoccupied enough for you to make a quick and easy escape.

However, on certain occasions it is very possible for a tactic like this to fail. Perhaps you grab me too hard while leading me towards my perogies, triggering painful flashbacks of my little sister poking at pockets of flab on the undersides of my arms. Should these hurtful and terrifying memories come flooding back to me, I would undoubtedly cling to you - crying and begging for comfort - all while subsequently abolishing your window of escape. At this point, physically removing me becomes your last resort.

It is difficult to say which methods will work in chasing me away from our encounter, but there are a number of tactics that should never be attempted. For instance, running after me will only make me sweaty and aggravated, and having a PE teacher yell at me to move quicker will cause me to instinctively stop in my tracks, and quit moving altogether. The most important thing to remember when chasing me away, however, is to never, under any circumstance, wink, whistle, or water-ski. Since I have never been able to master these activities, even attempting one will harbor from within me a deep, competitive rage that has remained buried for the past several years. After uncovering this emotion, there is no hope for me to regain my composure, thus creating one final option for you: run!

Now truthfully, running is not completely necessary in escaping me (especially if it involves more than two flights of stairs), but it is incredibly important that you know where to run to. Any various salad bars, spider sanctuaries or circuses across the city are ideal safe havens, as I would never be found anywhere near these places. If these establishments aren’t available, try any Vancouver Canucks fan clubs, bee farms, or One Direction CD packaging plants. And if you really want to ensure that you will never again come face-to-face with me, the safest place you can possibly hide is at a zip-lining place just outside of Revelstoke, where an emergency rescue when I was just a little heavier has resulted in my permanent ban from the premises.

So essentially, when everything boils down, only when you become a zip-line instructor will you truly learn the secret of how to survive an encounter with me.

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