1. Walk into the produce section dressed in a banana suit, and start dancing around excitedly; throw bananas at anyone who looks at you like you’re crazy.
2. Organize the $5 DVD bin – alphabetically, in neat, even piles. After half an hour of painstaking sorting and stacking, allow your eye to twitch slightly as you watch a 300lb ‘movie buff on a budget’ tear up your beautiful masterpiece in a matter of seconds.
3. In the toy section, excessively push every button that says ‘try me’. Imitate the sounds.
4. Head over to the pet department, and take a good long look at the fish swimming around in the aquariums. If you spot a dead one, start sniffling and gently cry out, “Oh Nemo, why did you have to go so young? Your dad was coming for you Nemo, he was so close – so close!” Sob quietly.
5. Now, find an employee and casually ask if Nemo is half-price since he’s dead.
6. Take the liberty of testing out the toothbrushes, combs, and deodorants in the cosmetics department. Don’t buy anything.
7. Go into a changing room, shut the door, and after a few minutes yell urgently, “There`s no toilet paper in here!”
8. Check out the craft section, and complain bitterly about the rising price of yarn to any elderly woman who will listen. “Nine bucks for a pound of yarn? Everyday low prices my big crocheting tushie.”
9. Play I-spy: “I spy with my little eye, someone whose shorts are two sizes too tight.” That’s a solid 15 minutes of guessing there.
10. Ask an employee how much their walls cost, and don’t take “I’m sorry but our walls aren’t for sale” for an answer. Be persistent, and also don’t take “Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to leave the store now” for an answer either - they don’t really mean it.
11. Randomly direct people to the mouthwash and breath mint aisles.
12. Walk around the store with an elephant puppet, and when you come across a Nutella display exclaim loudly, “Mr. Elephant doesn’t like hazelnut, Mr. Elephant wants peanut butter. Peeeaaaanuuuuuuut Buuuuutttttttterrrrrrrrrr!” Proceed to throw a temper tantrum.
13. If a few people are walking side-by-side in front of you, run between them shouting “Red rover, red rover, I call [your name] over!”
14. When a message comes over the loudspeakers, scream “Make the voices stop!” and lay down in the fetal position.
15. Dress up as Chicken Little, and skip around the store singing “The prices are falling! The prices are falling!”
16. Walk up to customer service, remove your pants, and tell the employee you’d like to exchange them for a smaller pair. If they refuse, act offended and cry out, “It’s because I’m fat, isn’t it?” Then angrily storm off, never stopping to put your pants back on.
17. Loudly complain every time you see an empty McDonald’s cup littered on a shelf, and rant for a few minutes about how lazy and disgusting people are.
18. Locate the pet food aisle and sample the hamster treats. Fully absorb the taste and react accordingly.
19. Go up to a random person and start talking to them as if you used to know them really well. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
20. Dressed in your finest lederhosen, head over to the deli and use your best German accent to ask an employee where they keep the wiener schnitzel and sauerbraten. If they tell you that the store doesn’t carry those products, keep the stereotype going and pull out your handy-dandy accordion (that all German people carry with them wherever they go) and play the polka in protest.
21. After making some careful and well thought out selections in the arts and crafts aisle, create your own line of greeting cards.
22. Verbally abuse the patio furniture.
23. Make yourself a salad! Grab a bowl from the kitchen department and fill it up with lettuce and your favourite veggies. When you’re finished, take it up to the cashier and see how much they’ll charge you for it – don’t forget to tell them you added extra cheese!
24. Stand at the entrance and warmly greet everyone who comes into the store. Tell them they can call you captain.
25. Strategically hide garden gnomes around the store, just for the heck of it – it could really freak some people out. ;)
26. With a straight face, walk up to a stranger and ask (don’t sing) very seriously, “Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street?”
27. Serenade your fellow shoppers with some beautiful clarinet music – Squidward-style!
28. Play a good old-fashioned game of hide-and-seek. Not challenging enough for you? Invite your imaginary friends to join in on the fun!
29. Try to use chocolate Easter bunnies as currency.
30. While browsing the meat department, notice the ham and cry out sadly, “Piglet, is that you?” Pick it up, and as you begin to gently cradle it in your arms whisper, “I’m so sorry buddy. For all these years people have been making fun of you for being scared, but it turns out you had a good reason to be afraid.” Curse Christopher Robin for allowing this tragedy to happen.