So let’s face it, I have the cutest, smartest, most amazing hamster in the entire world. His name is Schnitzel, and he is my baby. I’ve had him for the past year and a half, and over this time I’ve wondered: If Schnitzel could talk, what would he say to me? He and I have spent a lot of time together, and by observing his mannerisms and getting to know his cute little personality, I think I have a bit of an idea.
1. “No, my eyes are not crusty. Don’t you dare come near me with that washcloth, I’ll bite you! I don’t like getting my eyes cleaned, give me a minute and I’ll do it myself.” Since he’s getting older, Schnitzel has recently been having a problem with his eyes getting a little crusty. In the beginning I would take a washcloth and wipe his eyes, but he’d completely freak out; now he somehow has figured out how to clean out his own eyes so I’ll leave him alone.
2. “Hmm, I see you’re giving the guinea pigs treats. I’ll just walk over to the front of my cage and make cute faces so you’ll give me some too. But I won’t actually eat the treats; I’ll stash them away in my cheeks and hide them later. And you know that I’m doing this too, but that won’t stop you from giving me more treats because I’m so gosh darn adorable. I bet I can get you to give me three treats before walking away. Hehehe.”
3. “Wow, it sure is dark and quiet in here. Seems like the perfect time to run around on my squeaky wheel. Oh, you were trying to sleep? Well now that you’re up you can play with me and give me more treats!”
4. “You just grabbed your car keys, where are you going? Petsmart? You haven’t been to Petsmart in awhile, I think you should go to Petsmart. Did I mention that I’m running a little low on yogurt treats? Good thing you’re headed to Petsmart, you can pick me up a bag.”
5. “There are a lot of these weird, seedy things in my food dish. I don’t really like them, but I know that they won’t go away unless I eat them. You won’t throw them out if they’re in my food dish, will you? Well, it’d sure be a shame if the seeds spilled all over my cage – then you would have to get rid of them. I’ll just go over to my dish and bump into it as much as I can to, umm, mix the food around. Aw shucks, it just tipped over. Darn.”
6. “You put all of this nice nesting material in my cage and expect me to pee on it? Ew, you’re gross. I’m just going to take all of this bedding and build a giant nest in the corner – I’ll go to the bathroom in that bare corner over there. What, it smells bad? Well suck it up buttercup, I’m not wasting my perfectly good bedding on that.”
7. “Hey, so fun fact: I’m NOT dying! So quit tapping on my cage and making weird clicking sounds to check if I’m alive – I’m just sleeping. Hamsters are nocturnal; this is the middle of the night for me. Stop freaking out about me, I’m perfectly healthy and alive.”
8. “Geez, if you’re going to pick me up you gotta warm up your hands first, you frosty fingered dummy! Now I have to crawl back into my nest to warm up my butt. I’m going to stay here and sulk until you buy back my affections with a couple cookie treats.”
9. “So when you’re alone in your room, singing German folk songs at the top of your voice, you realize I can hear you right? And you realize that although my name is Schnitzel I have no interest at all in learning these German folk songs, right? And that hamsters have sensitive little ears, and your singing might just be a teensy bit off key. But you know what could muffle the sound a little bit? Me crunching on some yummy corn nut treats! Hint hint.”
10. “When you let me run around on the ground, and my cage is 3 feet away from me with the door wide open, I’m going to want to go into my cage. There’s food in my cage – any counterargument you might have is invalid.”