Meet Mathusela

A couple years ago I was shopping at Value Village and found a graphing calculator they were selling for $3. But I already had a graphing calculator (and obviously couldn't pass up a deal like this), so I decided to buy it and try to sell it on Craigslist. This is the ad I wrote - I got dozens of replies and ended up making $60!

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Mathusela is special. And you’re probably wondering, how special is he? WELL, Mathusela may just be the most special calculator you will ever have a chance of meeting. Because he’s not just a calculator. And he’s not just a Texas Instruments calculator. Mathusela , you see, is a TI-83 Texas Instruments GRAPHING Calculator. But as you’re about to find out, he’s so much more than that.

When Mathusela was just a wee Calcukid (calculator jargon for a baby calculator), he sat eagerly on the shelf at Staples dreaming of the mathematical genius that would pluck him from the others, and take him away to a magical laboratory full of trigonometry and functions, calculus and algebra, and other delights that all young calculators fancy. He knew he was destined for greatness (mom and dad always said, after all, that he was their little prodigy), and he couldn’t wait until the magic moment when his batteries would be inserted and he could bask in his greatness.

But as young Mathusela was about to find out, not all dreams come true. He shuddered in in utter repulsion as a 10^th grade arty (the term used by the calculators to mean “one who sucks at math”) paused in front of his place on the shelf. “Please don’t pick me please don’t pick me,” were the only words running through his mathematical little mind – but alas, young Mathusela was known for his graphing intelligence and not for his good luck, and the cold hand of terror (and poor math skills) plunked him into its shopping basket. Mathusela knew at that moment that his life was over.

Of course, he made an effort to show off his intelligence in the mathematical field. He drew graphs and spit out answers, but it was to no prevail. His owner simply didn’t love him enough, and refused to help him succeed. She only cared about her writing class, and novels and pens, and thesaurus and notebook. They were here true love, and Mathusela knew it. He couldn’t compete with them, so he gave up hope in his dream for mathematical excellence. Other calculators, with smart, loving owners made fun of him; they beat him up, and stole his battery power and slide-on cover. Mathusela had hit rock bottom.

But it’s not too late to save him! Mathusela has the will to learn, the knowledge to grow, and the potential to succeed. He is an extra-ordinary, mathematically-gifted, graphing GENIUS who, with a little love, will be your supportive sidekick, your calculating comrade, and the Robin to your algebraic Batman in your QUEST for mathematical excellence. He’s a hard worker, and will never let you down.

Do you have the desire to save Mathusela from the dark clutches of poor math skills? Only YOU can save him! Make me an offer, and you will receive not only the most special calculator on the face of the earth, but also a new life-long, grateful, computing friend.

A Brief Rant

Sometimes I really regret losing 100lbs. Don’t get me wrong – I love being healthy, happy and slim – but I can’t help but wonder how different things would be if I hadn’t lost the weight. Lately I’ve been doing a lot of thinking on the importance society places on the outward appearance of others, and it disturbs me. Those who are considered to be visually appealing receive more respect, attention, and praise than their less-attractive peers, and really, why is that? Should qualities such as personality, humor, and intelligence not also play a part in determining a person’s self-worth? Of course they should. But do they? Sadly, not so much.

Through personal experience I have seen both sides of this superficial coin. When I was 270lbs I was excluded, ridiculed, and made to feel like I was worth less than others. People on the street would stare at me disapprovingly, guys wouldn’t give me a second look, and strangers would whisper and laugh. If I woke up one morning feeling confident in myself and my appearance, society would make sure I came home that night feeling embarrassed and ashamed. I don’t think people realize how emotionally draining it can be when you are constantly being put down for the way you look. It’s exhausting.

Anyways, throughout the last year and a half I decided to track my weight-loss journey through pictures, and putting together before-and-after collages proved to be the perfect motivator and self-confidence booster for me. I was proud of what I was accomplishing and wanted to show it off! However, I was so focused on improving my appearance that all of my attention was focused on the “after” pictures – like society, I never gave my “before” pictures a second look. As I’m typing this I realize that I’ve turned into the people whom I’d sworn I’d never be, and that’s not ok.

So now I’m thinking about that girl in the “before” pictures, and my heart breaks for her. I know the pain she felt and the loneliness she endured, and I can still feel her confusion as she wondered why she wasn’t as worthwhile as the rest of society. I look at her face and see the brokenness in her eyes, and it just makes me so angry. I’m still the same person as I was back then, so why am I now being treated so differently? Why was this girl (and millions of others) treated as less than human, simply for weighing a few extra pounds? That is something I’ll never understand.

Going back to my original thought, what would things be like now if I had never lost the weight? I truthfully can’t answer that question. Would I still be happy and confident in myself? Would I live each day knowing I’m a worthwhile person who deserves to be treated with the same respect as everyone else? Would I have a boyfriend? Honestly, I don’t think so. Underneath the exterior I have always been the same person, yet it’s that very exterior that has made all the difference.

Sometimes society makes me sick.

The Man Who Never Smiled

There was a man who never smiled…

Who sat on his couch all day –

Sometimes wrapped in a blanket and sometimes not,

Watching his grandchild play with her toys.

Often he would hold the girl in his lap,

And read her fairytales from an old, black book:

Like Hansel and Gretel and the story of Heidi.

Or he would teach her German – Schmetterling and Auf Wiedersehen –

Or show her how to count.

Some days, the man taught her about chores,

Like how to dry the dishes.

(But never the knives)!

And on other days, he taught her about school,

Showing her how to read or tell time –

Auf Deutsch, natürlich.

He hugged the girl frequently and kissed her often,

And snuck her money when her parents weren’t looking.

And when they were looking.

And he explained to her why she shouldn’t jump on the furniture,

Or put a plastic bag over her head.

The man protected her from the world

(In his eyes, she was a perfect angel)

And when anyone raised their voice to the girl,

He would shield her with his menacing glare.

They ate lunch together, too:

Usually macaroni, but scrambled eggs on Sunday!

And afterwards they sat on his couch –

To read or count or tell time

(In English and in German).

Then when she got bored,

The girl would get up to play with her toys

And proudly, the man would watch.

And every day the girl would grin –

Bigger and bigger with each passing moment.

Because she had a secret about the man who never smiled:

She could see him smiling all along.

Dedicated to my Opa, the best grandpa anyone could ever have. I know you're smiling down on me from Heaven. 

Just Purple

Well, I haven't been doing a very good job at sticking to the bi-monthly blog post resolution - so here's an old poem that will hopefully make up for it:

Just Purple

As far as hues are concerned she is purple.

No scent or sound,

No texture or taste,

Just a blotch of color in a rainbow of shades.

Beautiful of course, but never something more –

Never something different.

Just purple.

Naturally, she can be altered –

Paler, darker, brighter, deeper.

She can take the form of a beautiful butterfly

Sailing smoothly through still air,

Or a lazy, land-locked hippo.

Even the syllables of her name can be changed –

Lilac, violet, lavender,

Or ‘Lila’ by German tongue.

But the roots of her purpose are never destroyed.

Still, she is only purple.

Just another color in an endless heaven of hues,

Just a single flower in a rainbow garden,

She is a song for the eyes, but otherwise useless –

Until dark.

Only then, when a blanket of black eerily covers the colors,

Is she more than just a pigment –

More than just purple.

Somehow different than before, she is needed now –

Wanted.

Loved.

But still, she remains unchanged –

The same as what she always was,

She is purple.

Just Purple.

13 Things I Learned in 2013

Here's a quick look at the most important things I learned last year. With all this knowledge, there's no way I can make any mistakes in 2014!

1. Ed Sheeran hoodies are EXTREMELY difficult to acquire in Canada - which is particularly frustrating, especially if you don't even like Ed Sheeran. 

2. If you're going to do a food challenge in America, you are going to have a stomachache afterwards - there's no avoiding this.

3. Guinea pigs eat like, well, pigs. And pet treats are expensive. 

4. When you lose 100lbs you will also lose all of your natural insulation with it - and Canadian winters are cold! 

5. Relationships are tough and a lot of people get hurt - but the love of a hamster is forever. 

6. Don't ever sing in the bathroom when you have repair people at your house, especially if you can't sing and only know a third of the lyrics. It just creates an awkward situation for everyone. 

7. Getting your nose pierced doesn't actually hurt. (Until you switch out the stud and get a fricking little white bump on your nose. Then it stings like a mother.......)!

8. Thirty-five year old men hitting on you when you're twenty years old is not cute or flattering. It's actually solidly creepy. 

9. Coffee is hot, and when you spill an entire pot of it all over yourself it hurts. 

10. It takes a VERY long time to shampoo the smell of sweat, shame and pancakes out of your hair. Also, never take a dish washing job at IHOP.

But in all seriousness,

11. People will hurt you and lie to you, and you don't need to take crap from anyone. But sometimes you'll find someone who's worth the pain. 

12. You can walk away from God, but He'll never walk away from you. And when you're ready to come back to Him, He'll welcome you with open arms. 

13. Take a second to breathe - be in the moment. Life is so precious, and you don't want to miss a second of it. 

New Year's Resolutions for 2014

Every year, like most of the population, I thoughtfully and diligently string together a list of resolutions to carry out in the New Year; and every year, I carefully and diligently work on completing these resolutions – right up until around the time when my birthday rolls around. (This would’ve had the potential of being a lot more impressive if my birthday wasn’t within the first few days of January).

So this year I’m trying something a little different. In hopes of extending the amount of time before shamefully giving up on my goals, I’m going to make myself accountable by posting a list of my resolutions to my blog. Hopefully this works in keeping me more motivated – maybe I’ll even make it to the second week!

    1.   I am going to achieve and maintain a weight of 160lbs. Over the past year and a half I’ve lost just over 100lbs, but am still just a couple pounds short of my goal weight. By eating healthily and exercising regularly (at least 4x a week) I will not only reach, but also maintain the 160lb mark I set out to achieve.

    2.   I am going to deepen my relationship with God. By going to church regularly and attending spiritual classes (at least 3), my relationship with God will be stronger and more meaningful than ever before.

    3.   I am going to discover what I want out of life. As of right now I am not 100% sure on the direction I’d like my life to take – but by the end of this year I will be well on my journey. Whether it’s back in school or starting a career, I’ll be working very hard this year to get my life back on track.

    4.   I am going to keep a tidy living space. Sometimes I can be a tad messy or unorganized, but this year it’s my goal to keep everything looking spic and span.

    5.   I am going to be more confident in myself. Although this is a pretty broad goal, I will take steps in boosting my self-esteem and loving myself this year.

    6.   I am going to practise my clarinet at least once a week. Plain and simple – you can’t grow as a musician unless you play your instrument.

    7.   I am going to crochet an afghan. These goals are getting a little more random, but so what? It’s been a few years since I made a blanket, and this year I will complete another one.

    8.   I am going to get in good enough shape to be able to run for 45 minutes straight. For most of my life I have been an out of shape person – getting bad marks in PE and always finishing last on runs – so this goal is a pretty big deal for me. Right now I can keep to a pace of 6mph for just under 20 minutes, but I hope to more than double that time before the year is through.

    9.   I am going to post to my blog at least once every two weeks. Sometimes I get lazy or life just gets in the way, but writing is a passion of mine and this year I will keep it up more regularly.

So that is my list of New Year’s resolutions - it’s said that people who write down their goals are more likely to succeed, so here’s hoping! I have high expectations for 2014, and am greatly looking forward to working on these aspirations throughout the year. In a few days when my birthday comes along, I will be more than ready to whip out this list and use it to beat the urge to quit away from my motivation to achieve these resolutions!

WWSS - What Would Schnitzel Say?

So let’s face it, I have the cutest, smartest, most amazing hamster in the entire world. His name is Schnitzel, and he is my baby. I’ve had him for the past year and a half, and over this time I’ve wondered: If Schnitzel could talk, what would he say to me? He and I have spent a lot of time together, and by observing his mannerisms and getting to know his cute little personality, I think I have a bit of an idea.

1.       “No, my eyes are not crusty. Don’t you dare come near me with that washcloth, I’ll bite you! I don’t like getting my eyes cleaned, give me a minute and I’ll do it myself.” Since he’s getting older, Schnitzel has recently been having a problem with his eyes getting a little crusty. In the beginning I would take a washcloth and wipe his eyes, but he’d completely freak out; now he somehow has figured out how to clean out his own eyes so I’ll leave him alone.

2.       “Hmm, I see you’re giving the guinea pigs treats. I’ll just walk over to the front of my cage and make cute faces so you’ll give me some too. But I won’t actually eat the treats; I’ll stash them away in my cheeks and hide them later. And you know that I’m doing this too, but that won’t stop you from giving me more treats because I’m so gosh darn adorable. I bet I can get you to give me three treats before walking away. Hehehe.”

3.       “Wow, it sure is dark and quiet in here. Seems like the perfect time to run around on my squeaky wheel. Oh, you were trying to sleep? Well now that you’re up you can play with me and give me more treats!”

4.       “You just grabbed your car keys, where are you going? Petsmart? You haven’t been to Petsmart in awhile, I think you should go to Petsmart. Did I mention that I’m running a little low on yogurt treats? Good thing you’re headed to Petsmart, you can pick me up a bag.”

5.       “There are a lot of these weird, seedy things in my food dish. I don’t really like them, but I know that they won’t go away unless I eat them. You won’t throw them out if they’re in my food dish, will you? Well, it’d sure be a shame if the seeds spilled all over my cage – then you would have to get rid of them. I’ll just go over to my dish and bump into it as much as I can to, umm, mix the food around. Aw shucks, it just tipped over. Darn.”

6.       “You put all of this nice nesting material in my cage and expect me to pee on it? Ew, you’re gross. I’m just going to take all of this bedding and build a giant nest in the corner – I’ll go to the bathroom in that bare corner over there. What, it smells bad? Well suck it up buttercup, I’m not wasting my perfectly good bedding on that.”

7.       “Hey, so fun fact: I’m NOT dying! So quit tapping on my cage and making weird clicking sounds to check if I’m alive – I’m just sleeping. Hamsters are nocturnal; this is the middle of the night for me. Stop freaking out about me, I’m perfectly healthy and alive.”

8.       “Geez, if you’re going to pick me up you gotta warm up your hands first, you frosty fingered dummy! Now I have to crawl back into my nest to warm up my butt. I’m going to stay here and sulk until you buy back my affections with a couple cookie treats.”

9.       “So when you’re alone in your room, singing German folk songs at the top of your voice, you realize I can hear you right? And you realize that although my name is Schnitzel I have no interest at all in learning these German folk songs, right? And that hamsters have sensitive little ears, and your singing might just be a teensy bit off key. But you know what could muffle the sound a little bit? Me crunching on some yummy corn nut treats! Hint hint.”

10.   “When you let me run around on the ground, and my cage is 3 feet away from me with the door wide open, I’m going to want to go into my cage. There’s food in my cage – any counterargument you might have is invalid.”