WWSS - What Would Schnitzel Say?

So let’s face it, I have the cutest, smartest, most amazing hamster in the entire world. His name is Schnitzel, and he is my baby. I’ve had him for the past year and a half, and over this time I’ve wondered: If Schnitzel could talk, what would he say to me? He and I have spent a lot of time together, and by observing his mannerisms and getting to know his cute little personality, I think I have a bit of an idea.

1.       “No, my eyes are not crusty. Don’t you dare come near me with that washcloth, I’ll bite you! I don’t like getting my eyes cleaned, give me a minute and I’ll do it myself.” Since he’s getting older, Schnitzel has recently been having a problem with his eyes getting a little crusty. In the beginning I would take a washcloth and wipe his eyes, but he’d completely freak out; now he somehow has figured out how to clean out his own eyes so I’ll leave him alone.

2.       “Hmm, I see you’re giving the guinea pigs treats. I’ll just walk over to the front of my cage and make cute faces so you’ll give me some too. But I won’t actually eat the treats; I’ll stash them away in my cheeks and hide them later. And you know that I’m doing this too, but that won’t stop you from giving me more treats because I’m so gosh darn adorable. I bet I can get you to give me three treats before walking away. Hehehe.”

3.       “Wow, it sure is dark and quiet in here. Seems like the perfect time to run around on my squeaky wheel. Oh, you were trying to sleep? Well now that you’re up you can play with me and give me more treats!”

4.       “You just grabbed your car keys, where are you going? Petsmart? You haven’t been to Petsmart in awhile, I think you should go to Petsmart. Did I mention that I’m running a little low on yogurt treats? Good thing you’re headed to Petsmart, you can pick me up a bag.”

5.       “There are a lot of these weird, seedy things in my food dish. I don’t really like them, but I know that they won’t go away unless I eat them. You won’t throw them out if they’re in my food dish, will you? Well, it’d sure be a shame if the seeds spilled all over my cage – then you would have to get rid of them. I’ll just go over to my dish and bump into it as much as I can to, umm, mix the food around. Aw shucks, it just tipped over. Darn.”

6.       “You put all of this nice nesting material in my cage and expect me to pee on it? Ew, you’re gross. I’m just going to take all of this bedding and build a giant nest in the corner – I’ll go to the bathroom in that bare corner over there. What, it smells bad? Well suck it up buttercup, I’m not wasting my perfectly good bedding on that.”

7.       “Hey, so fun fact: I’m NOT dying! So quit tapping on my cage and making weird clicking sounds to check if I’m alive – I’m just sleeping. Hamsters are nocturnal; this is the middle of the night for me. Stop freaking out about me, I’m perfectly healthy and alive.”

8.       “Geez, if you’re going to pick me up you gotta warm up your hands first, you frosty fingered dummy! Now I have to crawl back into my nest to warm up my butt. I’m going to stay here and sulk until you buy back my affections with a couple cookie treats.”

9.       “So when you’re alone in your room, singing German folk songs at the top of your voice, you realize I can hear you right? And you realize that although my name is Schnitzel I have no interest at all in learning these German folk songs, right? And that hamsters have sensitive little ears, and your singing might just be a teensy bit off key. But you know what could muffle the sound a little bit? Me crunching on some yummy corn nut treats! Hint hint.”

10.   “When you let me run around on the ground, and my cage is 3 feet away from me with the door wide open, I’m going to want to go into my cage. There’s food in my cage – any counterargument you might have is invalid.” 

How to Write a Blog Article

Title: Descriptive and/or witty line that summarizes your article

Welcome to the introduction, the part of the article where you (hereby referred to as “the blogger”), will give some beautifully worded background information to your audience (hereby referred to as “the readers”). This article will be written in a list format of some sort, and the blogger will indicate this early on in her introduction. She quickly befriends her handy thesaurus in this section of writing, weaving her commodious words in such a way as to exude a profound sound to her dissertation. She’ll jot down a few insights and make a reference to her personal life. Then at this point she, like 56% of bloggers, will begin to run out of things to say, and toss in a statistic (real or fictional) to make her introduction feel more “complete”. Without further ado, the blogger will now choose a nice transitional phrase to conclude this first paragraph, and move on to the bulk of her article.

1. This is the first point that the blogger will make on her list. It is an important one, because it must be interesting enough to capture the attention of the readers, yet not so interesting as to set the bar too high for her following points. Once a happy medium is established and she is satisfied with her wording, the blogger will move on to her second point.

2. A personal insight is incorporated here, giving the readers an idea of the blogger’s opinions on the topic which she is writing about. Often an inside joke is added to this point, and the majority of readers will have a hard time understanding it. On a side note, don’t you love the feeling of a nice, light mist in your face?

3. A short point is placed here for variation.

4. Eventually, the blogger will get frustrated with her writing, somewhere around this point. She will get bored, lose inspiration, and engage in a number of activities (cleaning her room, browsing the internet, training her hamster to do the cha-cha…) in order to escape her pressing writer’s block. An hour later when she finally returns to her blog, this is the first point that the blogger will write. It will be of a slightly lower quality than her other points, and often will later be deleted.

5. This point is written second, but is placed strategically near the middle of the list. It is common for the blogger to write out of order, as it allows her some time to think of material for her earlier points. In fact, almost everything in the article is written out of order, and the blogger arranges her points in the way she sees fit upon completion of her writing.

6. Running out of ideas, the blogger will now turn to others for inspiration. She will ask her dad or sister for input, and their ideas will be listed here.

7. The blogger will begin to reference other points in her article here, in an attempt to make her list feel smooth and connected. It is essential for her material to be tied together in some fashion, and in order to do this she will let you know that her mission to teach her hamster the cha-cha was aborted – after 2 nearly-successful attempts at the dance he lost interest, ran around in his wheel twice, and then scurried over to his nest and fell asleep.

8. At this point the blogger starts to question what she’s doing with her life. What’s the point of this article? Who is she really helping? Maybe she should’ve listened to her gut feeling in high school and become a cheerleader instead (see the second sentence in point number 2).

9. The blogger starts to doubt her entire article at this point. She hates everything she has written, and spirals into a bout of frustration. She will scream, throw her laptop across the room, and subsequently awake her napping hamster (who still refuses to dance). But then after a brief period of crying and cursing the art of writing she will re-read her article, realize it isn’t as bad as she had initially thought, and move on to her last point.

10. This is the final point, and the blogger is usually unsure of what to write here. She has been working on this article for such a long time, and will typically just scribble out the first thing that enters her mind so she can just finish the darn thing already!

This brings us to the conclusion which is short and sweet, and the blogger will use this space to summarize her article and repeat most of what she previously stated in the introduction. She’ll make a humorous remark, add a personal sentiment, and then run out of things to say. Finally she will end her conclusion with a question relating to the content of her article, prompting the readers to leave their own input in the comment box below.

The cha-cha has proven to be too advanced for my hamster, so tell me - what is an appropriate dance that you have been able to successfully teach to your hamster?

This hamster is clearly not dancing the cha-cha.