The Man Who Never Smiled

There was a man who never smiled…

Who sat on his couch all day –

Sometimes wrapped in a blanket and sometimes not,

Watching his grandchild play with her toys.

Often he would hold the girl in his lap,

And read her fairytales from an old, black book:

Like Hansel and Gretel and the story of Heidi.

Or he would teach her German – Schmetterling and Auf Wiedersehen –

Or show her how to count.

Some days, the man taught her about chores,

Like how to dry the dishes.

(But never the knives)!

And on other days, he taught her about school,

Showing her how to read or tell time –

Auf Deutsch, natürlich.

He hugged the girl frequently and kissed her often,

And snuck her money when her parents weren’t looking.

And when they were looking.

And he explained to her why she shouldn’t jump on the furniture,

Or put a plastic bag over her head.

The man protected her from the world

(In his eyes, she was a perfect angel)

And when anyone raised their voice to the girl,

He would shield her with his menacing glare.

They ate lunch together, too:

Usually macaroni, but scrambled eggs on Sunday!

And afterwards they sat on his couch –

To read or count or tell time

(In English and in German).

Then when she got bored,

The girl would get up to play with her toys

And proudly, the man would watch.

And every day the girl would grin –

Bigger and bigger with each passing moment.

Because she had a secret about the man who never smiled:

She could see him smiling all along.

Dedicated to my Opa, the best grandpa anyone could ever have. I know you're smiling down on me from Heaven. 

Just Purple

Well, I haven't been doing a very good job at sticking to the bi-monthly blog post resolution - so here's an old poem that will hopefully make up for it:

Just Purple

As far as hues are concerned she is purple.

No scent or sound,

No texture or taste,

Just a blotch of color in a rainbow of shades.

Beautiful of course, but never something more –

Never something different.

Just purple.

Naturally, she can be altered –

Paler, darker, brighter, deeper.

She can take the form of a beautiful butterfly

Sailing smoothly through still air,

Or a lazy, land-locked hippo.

Even the syllables of her name can be changed –

Lilac, violet, lavender,

Or ‘Lila’ by German tongue.

But the roots of her purpose are never destroyed.

Still, she is only purple.

Just another color in an endless heaven of hues,

Just a single flower in a rainbow garden,

She is a song for the eyes, but otherwise useless –

Until dark.

Only then, when a blanket of black eerily covers the colors,

Is she more than just a pigment –

More than just purple.

Somehow different than before, she is needed now –

Wanted.

Loved.

But still, she remains unchanged –

The same as what she always was,

She is purple.

Just Purple.

13 Things I Learned in 2013

Here's a quick look at the most important things I learned last year. With all this knowledge, there's no way I can make any mistakes in 2014!

1. Ed Sheeran hoodies are EXTREMELY difficult to acquire in Canada - which is particularly frustrating, especially if you don't even like Ed Sheeran. 

2. If you're going to do a food challenge in America, you are going to have a stomachache afterwards - there's no avoiding this.

3. Guinea pigs eat like, well, pigs. And pet treats are expensive. 

4. When you lose 100lbs you will also lose all of your natural insulation with it - and Canadian winters are cold! 

5. Relationships are tough and a lot of people get hurt - but the love of a hamster is forever. 

6. Don't ever sing in the bathroom when you have repair people at your house, especially if you can't sing and only know a third of the lyrics. It just creates an awkward situation for everyone. 

7. Getting your nose pierced doesn't actually hurt. (Until you switch out the stud and get a fricking little white bump on your nose. Then it stings like a mother.......)!

8. Thirty-five year old men hitting on you when you're twenty years old is not cute or flattering. It's actually solidly creepy. 

9. Coffee is hot, and when you spill an entire pot of it all over yourself it hurts. 

10. It takes a VERY long time to shampoo the smell of sweat, shame and pancakes out of your hair. Also, never take a dish washing job at IHOP.

But in all seriousness,

11. People will hurt you and lie to you, and you don't need to take crap from anyone. But sometimes you'll find someone who's worth the pain. 

12. You can walk away from God, but He'll never walk away from you. And when you're ready to come back to Him, He'll welcome you with open arms. 

13. Take a second to breathe - be in the moment. Life is so precious, and you don't want to miss a second of it. 

New Year's Resolutions for 2014

Every year, like most of the population, I thoughtfully and diligently string together a list of resolutions to carry out in the New Year; and every year, I carefully and diligently work on completing these resolutions – right up until around the time when my birthday rolls around. (This would’ve had the potential of being a lot more impressive if my birthday wasn’t within the first few days of January).

So this year I’m trying something a little different. In hopes of extending the amount of time before shamefully giving up on my goals, I’m going to make myself accountable by posting a list of my resolutions to my blog. Hopefully this works in keeping me more motivated – maybe I’ll even make it to the second week!

    1.   I am going to achieve and maintain a weight of 160lbs. Over the past year and a half I’ve lost just over 100lbs, but am still just a couple pounds short of my goal weight. By eating healthily and exercising regularly (at least 4x a week) I will not only reach, but also maintain the 160lb mark I set out to achieve.

    2.   I am going to deepen my relationship with God. By going to church regularly and attending spiritual classes (at least 3), my relationship with God will be stronger and more meaningful than ever before.

    3.   I am going to discover what I want out of life. As of right now I am not 100% sure on the direction I’d like my life to take – but by the end of this year I will be well on my journey. Whether it’s back in school or starting a career, I’ll be working very hard this year to get my life back on track.

    4.   I am going to keep a tidy living space. Sometimes I can be a tad messy or unorganized, but this year it’s my goal to keep everything looking spic and span.

    5.   I am going to be more confident in myself. Although this is a pretty broad goal, I will take steps in boosting my self-esteem and loving myself this year.

    6.   I am going to practise my clarinet at least once a week. Plain and simple – you can’t grow as a musician unless you play your instrument.

    7.   I am going to crochet an afghan. These goals are getting a little more random, but so what? It’s been a few years since I made a blanket, and this year I will complete another one.

    8.   I am going to get in good enough shape to be able to run for 45 minutes straight. For most of my life I have been an out of shape person – getting bad marks in PE and always finishing last on runs – so this goal is a pretty big deal for me. Right now I can keep to a pace of 6mph for just under 20 minutes, but I hope to more than double that time before the year is through.

    9.   I am going to post to my blog at least once every two weeks. Sometimes I get lazy or life just gets in the way, but writing is a passion of mine and this year I will keep it up more regularly.

So that is my list of New Year’s resolutions - it’s said that people who write down their goals are more likely to succeed, so here’s hoping! I have high expectations for 2014, and am greatly looking forward to working on these aspirations throughout the year. In a few days when my birthday comes along, I will be more than ready to whip out this list and use it to beat the urge to quit away from my motivation to achieve these resolutions!

WWSS - What Would Schnitzel Say?

So let’s face it, I have the cutest, smartest, most amazing hamster in the entire world. His name is Schnitzel, and he is my baby. I’ve had him for the past year and a half, and over this time I’ve wondered: If Schnitzel could talk, what would he say to me? He and I have spent a lot of time together, and by observing his mannerisms and getting to know his cute little personality, I think I have a bit of an idea.

1.       “No, my eyes are not crusty. Don’t you dare come near me with that washcloth, I’ll bite you! I don’t like getting my eyes cleaned, give me a minute and I’ll do it myself.” Since he’s getting older, Schnitzel has recently been having a problem with his eyes getting a little crusty. In the beginning I would take a washcloth and wipe his eyes, but he’d completely freak out; now he somehow has figured out how to clean out his own eyes so I’ll leave him alone.

2.       “Hmm, I see you’re giving the guinea pigs treats. I’ll just walk over to the front of my cage and make cute faces so you’ll give me some too. But I won’t actually eat the treats; I’ll stash them away in my cheeks and hide them later. And you know that I’m doing this too, but that won’t stop you from giving me more treats because I’m so gosh darn adorable. I bet I can get you to give me three treats before walking away. Hehehe.”

3.       “Wow, it sure is dark and quiet in here. Seems like the perfect time to run around on my squeaky wheel. Oh, you were trying to sleep? Well now that you’re up you can play with me and give me more treats!”

4.       “You just grabbed your car keys, where are you going? Petsmart? You haven’t been to Petsmart in awhile, I think you should go to Petsmart. Did I mention that I’m running a little low on yogurt treats? Good thing you’re headed to Petsmart, you can pick me up a bag.”

5.       “There are a lot of these weird, seedy things in my food dish. I don’t really like them, but I know that they won’t go away unless I eat them. You won’t throw them out if they’re in my food dish, will you? Well, it’d sure be a shame if the seeds spilled all over my cage – then you would have to get rid of them. I’ll just go over to my dish and bump into it as much as I can to, umm, mix the food around. Aw shucks, it just tipped over. Darn.”

6.       “You put all of this nice nesting material in my cage and expect me to pee on it? Ew, you’re gross. I’m just going to take all of this bedding and build a giant nest in the corner – I’ll go to the bathroom in that bare corner over there. What, it smells bad? Well suck it up buttercup, I’m not wasting my perfectly good bedding on that.”

7.       “Hey, so fun fact: I’m NOT dying! So quit tapping on my cage and making weird clicking sounds to check if I’m alive – I’m just sleeping. Hamsters are nocturnal; this is the middle of the night for me. Stop freaking out about me, I’m perfectly healthy and alive.”

8.       “Geez, if you’re going to pick me up you gotta warm up your hands first, you frosty fingered dummy! Now I have to crawl back into my nest to warm up my butt. I’m going to stay here and sulk until you buy back my affections with a couple cookie treats.”

9.       “So when you’re alone in your room, singing German folk songs at the top of your voice, you realize I can hear you right? And you realize that although my name is Schnitzel I have no interest at all in learning these German folk songs, right? And that hamsters have sensitive little ears, and your singing might just be a teensy bit off key. But you know what could muffle the sound a little bit? Me crunching on some yummy corn nut treats! Hint hint.”

10.   “When you let me run around on the ground, and my cage is 3 feet away from me with the door wide open, I’m going to want to go into my cage. There’s food in my cage – any counterargument you might have is invalid.” 

30 Things to Do When You're Bored at Walmart

We’ve all seen people doing some pretty nutty things on our Walmart excursions, but why should they have all the fun?  At Walmart it’s almost the norm to act crazy, and every weird thing you do is socially acceptable. So go ahead and try out some of my ideas the next time you go shopping, and if you think of any other activities that you believe should be on my list please let me know in the comment box below. Enjoy!

1. Walk into the produce section dressed in a banana suit, and start dancing around excitedly; throw bananas at anyone who looks at you like you’re crazy.

2. Organize the $5 DVD bin – alphabetically, in neat, even piles. After half an hour of painstaking sorting and stacking, allow your eye to twitch slightly as you watch a 300lb ‘movie buff on a budget’ tear up your beautiful masterpiece in a matter of seconds.

3. In the toy section, excessively push every button that says ‘try me’. Imitate the sounds.

4. Head over to the pet department, and take a good long look at the fish swimming around in the aquariums. If you spot a dead one, start sniffling and gently cry out, “Oh Nemo, why did you have to go so young? Your dad was coming for you Nemo, he was so close – so close!” Sob quietly.

5. Now, find an employee and casually ask if Nemo is half-price since he’s dead.

6. Take the liberty of testing out the toothbrushes, combs, and deodorants in the cosmetics department. Don’t buy anything.

7. Go into a changing room, shut the door, and after a few minutes yell urgently, “There`s no toilet paper in here!”

8. Check out the craft section, and complain bitterly about the rising price of yarn to any elderly woman who will listen. “Nine bucks for a pound of yarn? Everyday low prices my big crocheting tushie.”

9. Play I-spy: “I spy with my little eye, someone whose shorts are two sizes too tight.” That’s a solid 15 minutes of guessing there.

10. Ask an employee how much their walls cost, and don’t take “I’m sorry but our walls aren’t for sale” for an answer. Be persistent, and also don’t take “Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to leave the store now” for an answer either - they don’t really mean it.

11. Randomly direct people to the mouthwash and breath mint aisles.

12. Walk around the store with an elephant puppet, and when you come across a Nutella display exclaim loudly, “Mr. Elephant doesn’t like hazelnut, Mr. Elephant wants peanut butter. Peeeaaaanuuuuuuut Buuuuutttttttterrrrrrrrrr!” Proceed to throw a temper tantrum.

13. If a few people are walking side-by-side in front of you, run between them shouting “Red rover, red rover, I call [your name] over!”

14. When a message comes over the loudspeakers, scream “Make the voices stop!” and lay down in the fetal position.

15. Dress up as Chicken Little, and skip around the store singing “The prices are falling! The prices are falling!”

16. Walk up to customer service, remove your pants, and tell the employee you’d like to exchange them for a smaller pair. If they refuse, act offended and cry out, “It’s because I’m fat, isn’t it?” Then angrily storm off, never stopping to put your pants back on.

17. Loudly complain every time you see an empty McDonald’s cup littered on a shelf, and rant for a few minutes about how lazy and disgusting people are.

18. Locate the pet food aisle and sample the hamster treats. Fully absorb the taste and react accordingly.

19. Go up to a random person and start talking to them as if you used to know them really well. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.

20. Dressed in your finest lederhosen, head over to the deli and use your best German accent to ask an employee where they keep the wiener schnitzel and sauerbraten. If they tell you that the store doesn’t carry those products, keep the stereotype going and pull out your handy-dandy accordion (that all German people carry with them wherever they go) and play the polka in protest.

21. After making some careful and well thought out selections in the arts and crafts aisle, create your own line of greeting cards.

22. Verbally abuse the patio furniture.

23. Make yourself a salad! Grab a bowl from the kitchen department and fill it up with lettuce and your favourite veggies. When you’re finished, take it up to the cashier and see how much they’ll charge you for it – don’t forget to tell them you added extra cheese!

24. Stand at the entrance and warmly greet everyone who comes into the store. Tell them they can call you captain.

25. Strategically hide garden gnomes around the store, just for the heck of it – it could really freak some people out. ;)

26. With a straight face, walk up to a stranger and ask (don’t sing) very seriously, “Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street?”

27. Serenade your fellow shoppers with some beautiful clarinet music – Squidward-style!

28. Play a good old-fashioned game of hide-and-seek. Not challenging enough for you? Invite your imaginary friends to join in on the fun!

29. Try to use chocolate Easter bunnies as currency.

30. While browsing the meat department, notice the ham and cry out sadly, “Piglet, is that you?” Pick it up, and as you begin to gently cradle it in your arms whisper, “I’m so sorry buddy. For all these years people have been making fun of you for being scared, but it turns out you had a good reason to be afraid.” Curse Christopher Robin for allowing this tragedy to happen.

The Ten Commandments of Weight Loss

Growing up as a heavier-than-average kid, I never once imagined that one day I’d be writing an article on weight loss – in fact, I would’ve laughed right in your face (in between bites of perogies) if you even mentioned the idea to me. I was by no means a “fit” person – PE teachers shuddered when I walked into their gym class, and I rejoiced at the C+’s I received. Stairs were my arch-nemesis, a brisk walk left me exhausted and out of breath, and the only time I ever ran was when I ran out of fettuccine alfredo at the end of a satisfying meal. I once had to be emergency rescued from a zip-line because I was too heavy and lacked the strength to hoist myself off of it. That was my fitness level (if you could even call it that), so it was no surprise that my weight had made its way up to a hefty 270lbs.

Finally I decided that enough was enough, and during the last year I have been on a mission to lose 100lbs. I did lose a good chunk of weight a few years back, but when I went to university the dreaded freshman 15 (or in my case, freshman 50) placed its evil curse upon me, and before I knew it I was back up to a good 260lbs. So this time around I made an effort to lose weight differently, and over the past year I have lost a total of 89lbs – just 11 short of my goal weight. Below I put together a list of the “Ten Commandments” of weight loss that I found particularly helpful throughout my journey, and I will continue to follow them as I strive to lose my last eleven pounds!

1. Thou shalt have no other snacks after supper. In the evening I typically don’t find myself craving carrot sticks and rice cakes. I want good, wholesome, artery-clogging treats - German chocolate cake, tiger ice-cream, and those new Lay’s perogie potato chips that my parents just got me addicted to. When you snack in the evening you are more likely to choose higher calorie options; you’re also likely to eat more while mindlessly shoving handfuls of chips into your mouth in front of the television. To solve this conundrum easily I set up a rule for myself – after dessert, no more snacking for the rest of the evening.

2. Thou shalt not leave thy sheep penned up and unnumbered. Get 40 winks, catch some z’s, hit the sack. Whatever you want to call it, getting a sufficient amount of sleep is crucial to your weight-loss mission. I have found that when you don’t sleep enough, 2 things will happen. First of all, your energy for the day will be greatly decreased; you’ll be much more likely to pick up take-out food rather than cooking, and skip the gym. And secondly, when you cut back on sleep your metabolism will stop working properly. To start dropping pounds, the first thing I do is slip into my pj’s and get a good night’s sleep.

3. Thou shalt not take the name on the label in vain. At the very beginning of my weight-loss journey, I made a few simple (yet very effective) changes to my diet – mostly keeping my eyes open for low-fat options. I switched to low-fat cream cheese, low-fat mayo, low-fat cheeses, low-fat everything (except low-fat sour cream, you couldn’t pay me to touch that stuff)! Another switch that I made, that I know some people won’t agree with, is going sugar-free. A lot of products out there have options made with Splenda: pop, candy, yogurt, cookies…and no sugar means fewer calories. Finally, one more change I made was replacing all my white breads, buns and wraps with whole wheat versions. All of these changes have been very simple with minimal taste differences, yet have helped me to lose quite a bit of weight.

4. Remember thy accomplishments, to reward thyself appropriately. When I was working on losing weight I made little goals for myself to make the process more rewarding. When I hit my first weight goal I got new glasses. For my second one I got my nose pierced, for my third one I got a new haircut. It kept me motivated to keep working towards my goal, and also allowed me to change up my look. Create goals for yourself, and don’t forget to reward yourself along the way!

5. Honour thy weights and thy dumbbells. When trying to lose weight, a lot of people tend to neglect weight training and focus mainly on cardio. And while it’s true that you will burn a lot of calories working it on the elliptical machine, lifting weights has its benefits too. The more muscle mass you build, the more calories you will burn during the day, even when your body is at rest. Plus you’ll get that sexy, toned look that pedaling on your bike just won’t give you – I was surprised at the difference I saw in my arms after lifting weights for a few months!

6. Thou shalt not kill time with Venti Vanilla Bean Frappuccinos. When you add up all the sugar and syrup and cream in a fancy drink like this, it equals mega calories. Before I started being health conscious, I would mindlessly drink smoothies and Frappuccinos without even thinking about how many calories I was consuming. But after a little research I found out that the venti Vanilla Bean Frappuccino (my Starbucks regular) contained almost as many calories as a Big Mac! So I drastically cut down, and during my year of weight loss I have only indulged in these magical drinks one time (what, everyone’s entitled to a cheat day). This has saved me countless calories, and I probably shed a couple pounds simply by ending my Frappuccino addiction.

7. Thou shalt not commit adultery – thou shalt not cheat on thy treadmill with thy couch. When trying to lose weight, it is important to exercise frequently and it is important to exercise regularly. Even if you only have time for a quick workout, five 20-minute runs a week are a lot more effective than one 100-minute run. To keep me motivated in this area, I invested a few dollars in a couple handy-dandy apps for my iPod. The first app, Tap Tap Revenge, I used a lot when on my stationary bike. I realized early on in the year that I could go a lot longer on the bike when I had some sort of distraction – as long as my mind didn’t realize how much I was pedaling, I was able to go a lot farther. Tap Tap Revenge was the perfect app for this; the upbeat music kept my pace up, and tapping out the rhythms was a great distraction. And Couch to 5K (the second app I downloaded) is designed to make you be able to run for 5 kilometers after 9 weeks of training. The voice on the app instructs you to run, then walk, then run – with the running intervals gradually getting longer and the walking intervals gradually getting shorter. There are many other workout apps out there, but these ones were especially useful for me.

8. Thou shalt not dehydrate thyself. Now I will admit, drinking 8 glasses of water a day is difficult - but it is also an excellent way to boost your metabolism and lose weight. To help me keep track of the water I drank each day I downloaded an app called Waterlogged onto my iPod. Recording each glass of water onto the app helped to keep me motivated to reach my water drinking goal, and reaching this water goal every day has put me well on my way to reaching my final weight goal.

9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy scale. Over the year I made it a point to weigh myself each week to track my weight-loss. Seeing the numbers slowly decreasing over the weeks was very motivating for me, and it kept me wanting to work out and eat healthy to continue to see my weight drop.

10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s chicken nuggets. I’m pretty sure we’ve all done this – your friend has a bag of chips or an order of fries, and you can’t help but snag a couple (or more than a couple). I have always been guilty of playing the mooching game, but what I didn’t realize was how quickly all these calories can add up. A bite of my dad’s sandwich here and a handful of skittles there can pack on the pounds over time – especially since I don’t really realize how many calories I’m consuming when it’s someone else’s food. As hard as it is, I’ve learned that it’s best to keep my hands to my own plate (although I do sometimes stray from that rule)!

So these are the most beneficial weight-loss tips that I have discovered over the past year. If you have any other “commandments” that you believe should’ve been on my list, please leave them in the comment box below. I want to hear which weight-loss tricks have worked for you; just don’t suggest I stop eating perogies because, you know, not gonna happen!

Before (last September) and After (3 weeks ago).